this past year, i think i've grown to become a very very sensitive person.. i dont know why, but it's seems that i always lose my patience in everything. and everyone.. hhmm..how time can change a person.. is it the time? or is it the people who i hang out with that changed me? they say, the people who are the closest to you represents yourself. so, if u reverse that, that should mean that i have became like the people close to me.. are they like that too?

a couple years ago, i used to be this patient girl, who never protests, who takes whatever is given to her.. now, i always seem to get mad easily, protest at everything, even with mom & dad.. i don't think i like being this way, but i just can help it..

sometimes i wish i could go back to the times when everything was nice, no quarrelling, no fighting, no feeling sad or left out..

is that what i just said? hhmm.. maybe that's probably why i easily get upset nowadays.. i'm feeling really left out..

i mean, i've always felt left out my whole life, with my friends, my bestfriends, even my relatives.. but i've never felt left out with my boyfriend.. until now..

yeah.. i guess that's why.. he doesn't care for me as much..

what should i do????

so, i've decided to give him another chance. people might think i'm stupid or weird. but what the heck, i love him, and i'm willing to take the risk.

i just hope & pray to god he wont take me for granted, and wont dissapoint me anymore.. amiiiinn..

Waking up to find another day

The moon got lost again last night

But now the sun has finally had its say, I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in, it’s all over me

I’m lying here in the dark, it hurts a lot

And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything

Nothing less cause, you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am, I’m handing over everything that I’ve got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the morning

And the tears are pouring

And I want to make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time?

Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe

Don’t want to lose the love I’ve found

Remember when you said that you would change

Don’t let me down

It’s not fair how you are

I can’t be complete

Can you give me more?

Oh please, you know what I need

We can’t escape the love

Give me everything that you have

hurt hurt hurt..it just wont go away..

dear god, please take my heart so it wont hurt me anymore...

HEARTBRAKE 2008

i never knew that heartbrake could feel this bad. all the hurt in the world cant describe the feeling i felt last wednesday. hurt,betrayed,stupid.. it felt like my heart was being stabbed over and over and over.. even now thinking of it brings tears in my eyes.. i just wanna dissappear.

how could you love but also hate a person so much u just wanna die?

he, the person i dearly loved, whom i gave my heart and soul, my mind, my body, every inch of me, betrayed me in such a way, i cant even explain. he took my trust, and ripped it all away..

after what happened, i feel like he became a totally different person. i feel like i dont know him anymore. or is it i never really known him?

maybe its karma. i broke someone's heart so bad before, and it finally came back to me. what goes around, comes around. but i really didnt expect it to come this soon.

how do you mend a broken heart? gosh, never really thought that i would ask that question. it seemed so cheesy. but now, i really do wanna know.

i feel so lonely, so empty, so stressed..

I love this song.. love the lyrics, love the melody, love the singer.. brilliant!

JUST LIKE A STAR

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands,

Oh.. I do love you,

Still i wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look i can't describe,

You make me feel like I'm alive,

When everything else is a fade,

Without a doubt you're on my side,

Heaven has been away too long,

Can't find the words to write this song,

Oh.,.. Your love,

Still i wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,

The way it is,

It's not a secret anymore,

'cause we've been through that before,

From tonight I know that you're the only one,

I've been confused and in the dark,

Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

I wonder why it is,

I wont let my guard down,

For anyone but you

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same

Just like a song in my heart

Just like oil on my hands

yay!! i beat 2 people in pool last saturday..huahahaha... yup, Dyta the amateur pool player has defeated Mas Eja & Getta in a nine ball bilyard competition...n_n!!

well, it wasn't really a competition, we were bored & lost & didn't have any ideas to do saturday nite, so nadya suggested us to play pool.. so, we went to Shoot and played.. being a very bery amateur player as i am (i've only played like 2 times..and believe me, i really suck.), just for the fun of it, i played against mas eja.. and won!!! huahahaha.. actually, he put in most of the balls (actually, i think all of'em), but the last ball he failed, so eventually, i put in the nin ball, and won..yeah yeah yeah...

with getta, well, because both of us cant play (even though she's a better player than me), after about over half an hour of nine ball..i finally won..

hhmmm...nice nite..n_n!

dont u just hate it when u go shopping to the grocery store and get a bad shopping cart? i dont know if it's just plain bad luck or the supermarkets just have a bad vibe on me, but i always tend to get a bad cart when shopping. either if its the wheels are jammed, dont turn well, or the little basket in the cart is gone!! ughh.....

David Cook wins!!! yeaahh.. finally a rocker wins the competition..=)

After mourning with michael john's elimination, my vote definitely went to cook.. a rocker who really knows what he's doing & brave enough to take chances.. let's say like in billie jean and the final song he sung 'the world i know'..

dont mean to say archuletta is not good though.. he has a great voice, but his songs are quite monotomous and i guess he's too young to handle all the things if he wins (didn't you see when simon said he ruled the whole competition? he looks like he was about to collapse of exitement!)

Anyways, congrats to Cook, you deserve it..

everybody i know seems to be getting married these days.. my brother dany is getting married in october, my bestfriend kiky is getting married next week, two of my exes are getting married in august (why should it be in the same month?), my neighbour(s) are getting married..

should it pressure me? well, probably not.. but here in Indonesia, in the 'east culture' people seem to still think that women have to get married in a young age.. at least, not more than 25 years old, or else, you'll be called an old virgin. that hurts. you know, regarding that i'm currently 25 years old, and my marriage plans are still quite a blur..

so, i guess, yes, it does pressure me once in a while.. i mean, even my mom and dad(!) now always talks about marriage..maybe its just because the euphoria of preparing dany's marriage. i hope.

well, i guess, i should just go on with my life, live life the fullest, and see what goes on!!! ciayo!!!

finally!! alhamdulillah, my dreams of setting foot on the holy grounds of mecca came true..

April 14th 2008, me, Acu, Mas Eja and 26 other people in our tour group departed from Polonia Airport, Medan to King Abdul Aziz, Jeddah, via KLIA, Kuala Lumpur. After 6 hours of watching movies, 1 hour playing games, 1 hour (trying to) sleep, 1 cummulative hour of eating, we finally arrived at King Abdul Aziz, Jeddah, around 7 pm.

Our tour then departed to Medinah via bus and arrived at 4 am Medinah time. We immediately checked in, washed up a lil' bit, and then hurriedly went to the Nabawi Mosque to say our subuh prayers..

The mosque was right in front of our hotel, so we just had to walk about 100 m. Dear god, i cant describe my feeling of every footstep i took when we were entering the mosque.. heart pounding & beating rapidly, seeing the great Nabawi Mosque with my own bare eyes and all these people rushing to say their prayers at 4 o'clock in the morning! Most people here would still be sound asleep, tucked in a warm bed, and resisting to wake up..(well, i must admit, i was like that..) . It's a scrambeled feeling of proudness, moved, touched, heartwarming, ugh, just too many words..

The next day our tour guide took us to the date farm where we could eat dates as much as we like and drink tea with the surroundings of date trees & merchants.. The date trees were very similiar with palm trees, but the trunk is just a little thinner. To bad, when we came there it wasn't the harvesting seasons, so there wasn't any dates hanging on the trees. We spent our time there for about an hour, and continued our tour to the Kuba Mosque, then back to hotel and say prayers at Nabawi.

Our umroh began the next day when we took our 'niat umroh' at Bir Ali. The men already wore their robes and the women covered up except for their hands and face. The journey to Mecca took approximately 8 hours, so we arrived at about 12 pm Mecca time. After checking in the hotel, we continued to complete our umroh.

Masjidil Haram was only 50 m from our hotel, so we could just walk there. The only thing was, the construction of the masjidil haram expansion was still taking place, so there was so much dust, nails in the road, wires sticking from the ground, and all sorts of construction things, it was pretty hard and exhausting just to reach the entrance of masjidil haram. But u know what? It was worth it.. i didn't think that there could be a more exhilirating feeling than when i entered Nabawi, but this, this was different. No words can even describe the feeling of seeing the holy Ka'bah. I had to try my best not to burst in tears, and concentrate to with my umroh.

We finally completed our umroh at about 2.30 am after 7 times rotating ka'bah, praying in the back of Ibrahim's burial, drinking zam-zam water, sa'i (running from safa to marwah 7 times) and finally tahallul. It was exhausting, but the satisfaction of completing umroh was worth it.

Finally, we ended our tour to Jeddah, which is a quite modern city in Saudi Arabia. We visited the Red Sea, took pictures and even eated bakso..yes, bakso! apparently, the indonesian workers there found another oppurtunity, which is selling bakso to the indonesian tourist! with 1 bowl of bakso for 5 riyals (about Rp.12.500,-), containing 3 meatballs, some noodles and hotsauce, it seems like a pretty promising business..=).

at the red sea..

eating bakso at the red sea..

Huh, this was a very exhausting, spiritual, and satisfying experience for me.. I hope a can come back again someday.. soon.. Amiiiinn...